Admitting to having a favorite child can feel like the ultimate parenting taboo—a betrayal of motherhood itself. Yet, as humans, we’re naturally inclined to gravitate toward those whose behavior we find most appealing.
In other familial relationships, having a favorite is normalized. Many of us are closer to one parent than the other or get along better with a specific sibling or grandparent. But when it comes to the mother-child bond, society expects mothers to suppress this entirely natural response.
The word “favorite” becomes inflammatory because it’s often confused with love. People assume favoring one child means loving them more, but that’s not true.
As a mother of two sons, aged 10 and 8, and a 5-year-old daughter, I can confidently say I love all my children equally. I would do anything for each of them. But my preference for one over the others changes constantly—sometimes daily or even hourly—depending on their behavior and how it affects me.
Do I feel guilty about this? Not at all. As a psychotherapist, I understand the science behind these feelings. Our brains are wired to seek calm and avoid stress. When one of my children is loud or unpredictable, my nervous system naturally steers me toward the child offering a more peaceful interaction. Parental favoritism is often just that simple.
This topic has gained attention recently due to a study by Brigham Young University, which analyzed 30 studies on parental favoritism. It found that both mothers and fathers tend to slightly favor daughters over sons, possibly because daughters are often perceived as easier to parent.
Girls may seek emotional connections earlier, develop linguistically sooner, and are often calmer than their male counterparts. However, these traits can vary widely, further supporting the idea that it’s the behavior, not the child, we respond to.
Suppressing feelings of favoritism can backfire. Clients have shared how their guilt led them to act in ways that harmed their children, such as snapping at the child who was acting out. This can create a damaging perception in that child’s mind that they are loved less. Over time, such feelings can lead to deep emotional scars, manifesting as people-pleasing tendencies or a sense of inadequacy.
Instead of denying these feelings, it’s better to approach them with honesty and reflection. If you’re finding one child’s behavior challenging, it’s okay to say, “I love you very much, but I’m finding this behavior difficult.” This kind of communication helps children understand that it’s their actions, not their worth, that are being addressed.
If you find yourself consistently favoring one child, see it as an opportunity for self-reflection rather than a sign of bad parenting. What do these feelings reveal about your needs, your child’s needs, or your family dynamics? Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up with love, honesty, and a willingness to learn.
When I feel stressed by one child’s behavior, taking a moment to step away and ground myself helps immensely. Once I’m calmer, I make a conscious effort to reconnect with that child, doing something enjoyable together to reaffirm my love for them, despite my earlier frustration.
Having a favorite child is a normal part of parenting. Your children aren’t perfect, and neither are you—and there’s nothing wrong with that. Recognizing and addressing these feelings can lead to stronger, more honest relationships with your children and help them grow into emotionally secure individuals.
