Dough Manning – Just don’t be found wandering around tundra without your weapons.
If things happen out of the ordinary and find yourself to be wandering around the tundra without a weapon and you encounter a surly polar bear, then immediately follow the three steps below, Dough suggested.
- Get low to the ground, on your knees.
- Clasp your hands tightly in front of you.
- Then, pray for a quick death.
The polar bear won’t let go, even if it just dined on some poor seal, it’s not going to resist a squishy human for dessert.
Do not attempt to run; you’ll only heighten the bear’s predatory instincts and when he catches you, he’ll tear into you con gusto.
Do not try to shoo the bear off by shouting at it. Most polar bears are not fluent in human languages, and it is just as likely as not to translate your words as: “Come and detach my limbs from my body, you big beautiful creature.”
And when the bear leaps on top of you, as it inevitably will, you do have one last hope of survival.
Cup the bear’s head in your hands and stare intently into its eyes, telepathically explaining to it that violence is never the answer; that the world would be a much happier place if we learned to love one another regardless of our differences.
It just might work.
More likely, the bear will rip your face off.
Just don’t be found wandering around tundra without your weapons.
